Floating Through

“As her pregnancy advanced, she seemed to be distractedly letting go of reality and turning inward in a secret, unceasing conversation with her baby…in a state of semi-somnambulance, ever more distracted, more exhausted, and more asthmatic, indifferent to everything around her, even her husband.”

“Clara walked around the house like a silent, overweight shadow, with a Buddhistic indifference toward everything around her.”

-The House of Spirits, Isabel Allende

This was an excellent book and an excellent description of my pregnancy. I feel as though I am losing myself- but not in a bad way. I am so content. So happy. Even the madness of COVID is not really getting through this fog of indifference. I am staying home except for walks in this glorious sunshine (honestly, if the virus had gotten this bad two months ago it would have been so much harder to isolate- at least you can still say hi to others out walking). I knit, I read, I watch Netflix, I stare into space… Days flow by like water. Each the same and each different. I’m happy to lie in a sunbeam for hours, rubbing my belly and thinking about what life will be like in a few months.

I am happy to be still. I haven’t felt bored for a moment in the last few months. I will admit I am a bit lonely with everyone distancing, but it’s not really a problem, that’s what phones are for! The only real disadvantage of this state is my utter lack of productivity. No writing. Little output but knitting (which is also curtailed). I’m not even exercising as much, and I’m cooking simple meals. I’m just BEING and growing our little bean.

Did anyone else feel like this pregnant? Does it get better? I would like to be productive again, my to do list is enormous!

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