Failings

Well all that was all for nothing.

I worked so hard to get off my meds to breastfeed only to go back on and have to stop. Not only did G miss the colostrum because I was too slow decreasing, he now has only been getting breast milk for 6 weeks. What was the point of all that nonsense?

The worst part is now that he is on formula he is happier. He sleeps longer. He cries less. It makes me feel like crap. I like to think he misses breastfeeding but he honestly doesn’t seem bothered.

I keep telling myself that a fed baby is best. And a mom with good mental health is best. But with all the pressure to breastfeed it is hard to not feel like a loser. Probably doesn’t help that my brain has decided to stop making Serotonin. Back on the Lithium for me. Funny how when you feel too great meds seem stupid but as soon as you crash you’ll do anything to feel better.

Momming is hard.

I’m not sure we can ever fully appreciate our mothers until we become mothers. Those sleepless nights, the tears, the fear you’re doing it all wrong… And yet somehow they never let on that they were scared and confused a lot. They also loved you more then anything, even themselves.

When you have your own baby its like you wake up to all the sacrifices they made for you that you never saw before. They also rocked you for hours at 1am because you had gas and were inconsolable. They also proudly showed you off to their friends and random people on walks. They also watched you grow and change from a wiggly pink blob into a mother yourself.

Most of the time I post here and a few hours later I get a call from my mom or dad, or even my sister, asking not-so-subtly if I’m okay. According to my sister my mom almost always cries after reading my ‘struggle posts’. She worries about me and feels powerless to help.

Folks, my mom helps me every. damn. day.

Just knowing she’s there and that if I really do need her, I only need to ask and she will move mountains.

She has rescued me from horrific hospitals, listened to me cry on the phone, made my childhood loving and supportive (dad did too, don’t worry pops), kept me inspired in med school when things got hard, and more recently visited and told me I was doing great and not to worry.

Mom, when you read this know you are not only are you a good mom- you are the best mom. I hope I can be half as good for G.