Lessons from G

  1. No two days are the same. Somedays I scream bloody murder all day. Somedays I’m a little angel.
  2. The days I’m an angel are ALWAYS the days someone comes over to help/hold me.
  3. I make more laundry then your tired ass can keep up to.
  4. I go through more diapers and take more shits then you ever thought humanly possible.
  5. It seems as though I only pee when diaper is off and dick is left unattended (though amount of diapers would prove otherwise).
  6. When you think its safe to sit and pick up your knitting I WILL start screaming. Its the law.
  7. I insist upon eating too fast and getting milk all over my face and in my neck folds. I will then spit up a good portion of every meal instead of just burping like you seem to want.
  8. Most of my naps will be on/squished under one of your boobs.
  9. Mom learned she can blog with only one hand because I am so helpful.

Recommendations Please!

Okay people, I haven’t written a book review in a LONG time. This is not because I have stopped reading. It is because I haven’t read anything worth reviewing. I don’t often abandon a book in the middle, I usually tough it out to the end- you know, just in case it magically gets better. I have already jumped ship twice this month.

Our library is STILL closed so I have to know what I want and order it, or buy it on kindle. There is no browsing or scoping out the ‘popular reads’ shelf.

Unfortunately the deals on kindle are deals for a reason. I have come across some good ones but most are so bad I’m annoyed I spent 99c on it!

I like accurate historical fiction and fantasy mostly, bonus points if the book is a bit of both. I also read the ‘heavier’ literature that speaks about the human condition. I love anything that exposes me to other cultures or times.

Help a girl out and comment with your recommendations! I’m getting desperate here!

Mothering

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I’ve come to the computer several times over the last few days intent on writing, but I open the file and stare at the blinking cursor. It mocks me- counting the seconds as I sit empty. When will the creative juice start flowing again? Right now I feel so much like my old, pre-medicated self. Motivated, confident, able to handle things. Yet I still can’t write!

My mind is completely occupied with the baby. When will they come? Will I be able to do it? Will they be healthy? I know this is just the tempest of motherhood that everyone goes through. I’ve been informed it never goes away- no matter how old your babies get.

My poor mother needs urgent spinal surgery and she is more worried about missing the birth then herself. She wants desperately to be there for her first grandbaby but, as usual, we can’t always get what we want. It will be hard to do without her, but she needs to put her health first and I will send copious pictures.

I’ve been watching lots of deliveries. Some are so beautiful and inspiring- others insight terror. The only common thread is: you never know. Some people are so prepared and things go sideways and they end up with a C-section. Others don’t know what the heck they are doing and push for 10 minutes after a 4-hour labor. Tearing seems to be mostly unavoidable. Still- I’m doing the perineal massage and learning breathing techniques hoping for some magic.

I’m a bit worried about hubby’s ability to stay upright through the birth. A few days ago I ripped my big toe nail off. There was a little blood and the man almost threw up. He INSISTED we go to the walk-in clinic. Despite my arguments that it was a total waste of time I went to appease him (it was definitely a waste of time). He can’t even look at my toe without cringing. He does not want to see anything on the big day- he’s even scared to cut the cord! I’m hoping all the excitement will fortify him because we are only allowed one support person and the glacial Canadian healthcare system is keeping my mother from me.

Never Done

I suppose writing is never truly done. I have sent my synopsis/cover letter/first chapters to publishers. I realized when formatting my first chapters that the whole manuscript needs a little tidying. Initially I was just indenting paragraphs and adding commas etc. But this required reading carefully. Which lead to changing things. Pretty soon I had already added over a thousand words in the first 50 pages. Oops. I guess I wasn’t as done as I thought.

I have also been inspired to sketch out the plot for book two. Apparently the ‘baby fog’ just needed a little kick.

The Swear Jar

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So as you folks know I MAY have a small problem with swearing… okay maybe a big problem.

But you may not know- my hubby is almost as bad.

And we are expecting our first baby. Sooo we have decided to try to curtail our colourful language before the baby starts learning words. I don’t want to be that mom who constantly gets letters home from school about ‘inappropriate language’.

This is flippin hard people! I had no idea that ‘fucking’ was my most commonly used word. I have a decent vocabulary but it was my go-to apparently. I am trying to catch the little bugger as I am talking. I can usually quickly swap it out for something more…tame. It is truly annoying to self-police like this, but I am sure it will get easier once my mind re-wires a bit.

The real problem is the ‘stub-toe’ situation. You know, when you drop something or hurt something and you involuntarily shout ‘F*CK!’, or in my case ‘Jesus F*CKING Christ’. I’ve been doing a lot of ‘ffffffffffffffudge’ which allows for a second for higher brain to kick in and override lizard brain.

We joked about starting a swear jar but realized we A)have no change in the house to put in the jar and B)would fill it in a day or two. So we agreed on pinches if you catch the other egregiously swearing. Once we get clear of the really bad stuff we can work on the accidental slips.

Now I have to decide what to do with my writing. It has been my saucy and sarcastic style to slip in the occasional swear word for emphasis. I think this is pretty innocent. Some of my characters swear, some do not. It’s a fact of life. But what about here in blog world? Should my writing reflect my new life style or do I keep things status quo? Will have to mull that one over a bit more…

Floating Through

“As her pregnancy advanced, she seemed to be distractedly letting go of reality and turning inward in a secret, unceasing conversation with her baby…in a state of semi-somnambulance, ever more distracted, more exhausted, and more asthmatic, indifferent to everything around her, even her husband.”

“Clara walked around the house like a silent, overweight shadow, with a Buddhistic indifference toward everything around her.”

-The House of Spirits, Isabel Allende

This was an excellent book and an excellent description of my pregnancy. I feel as though I am losing myself- but not in a bad way. I am so content. So happy. Even the madness of COVID is not really getting through this fog of indifference. I am staying home except for walks in this glorious sunshine (honestly, if the virus had gotten this bad two months ago it would have been so much harder to isolate- at least you can still say hi to others out walking). I knit, I read, I watch Netflix, I stare into space… Days flow by like water. Each the same and each different. I’m happy to lie in a sunbeam for hours, rubbing my belly and thinking about what life will be like in a few months.

I am happy to be still. I haven’t felt bored for a moment in the last few months. I will admit I am a bit lonely with everyone distancing, but it’s not really a problem, that’s what phones are for! The only real disadvantage of this state is my utter lack of productivity. No writing. Little output but knitting (which is also curtailed). I’m not even exercising as much, and I’m cooking simple meals. I’m just BEING and growing our little bean.

Did anyone else feel like this pregnant? Does it get better? I would like to be productive again, my to do list is enormous!

Return of the Library

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As you may have picked up from A)knowing me or B)reading between the lines of my posts I am actually doing really well in the panic attack/anxiety department. I have been doing so much hard work and it is finally paying off! I have been out to restaurants several times now- including during busy times. I am also starting to drive myself to shopping and hangouts. It is spectacularly freeing. I love that I know now that I CAN do it if I keep pushing through. That being said, I am still struggling with doctors appointments as the wait is often quite long and I can feel the panic seeping in after 15 minutes or so. But on the whole, things are definitely moving in the right direction.

So yesterday I went to the Library. Alone. It was AMAZING. Just being there was so soothing and so many new books have come out since my last visit. It took me FOREVER to narrow my choices down to just two. It felt like old times browsing the shelves just waiting for something to jump out instead of grabbing the closest thing and fleeing.

I am reading “The Testaments” by Margret Atwood. It is absolutely absorbing. I read the first half this morning and am dying for bed-time to read the other half!

The reason that motivated me to go to the Library at all was my utter lack of ability to write anything. My novels are all languishing in a baby induced stupor. I can’t explain it. I’m happy, I’m able to get lots done, but sit me in front of a computer and my mind goes blank. It’s like this little bean is getting all of my creative energy- which I guess is a good thing. I’ve decided that since writing eludes me, I will spend this time reading all those things I will have no time for in a few short months. I’m talking some of the classics and more modern works of literature. I want to build my vocabulary and solidify my style before I go back to writing.

The kindle is great, and I have lived through it for more then a year, but I must gush about the FEEL of paper sliding between your fingers with each page turn. I love the weight of a hardcover in your lap. But mostly I love just how much is available FOR FREE at the Library. I am so excited we are friends again.

Revolt

I think as a writer you are utterly at the mercy of the characters you create. For me the process of setting down the first draft goes something like this:

  1. Create an awesome main character.
  2. Fall in love a little bit.
  3. Forget other projects in excitement for shiny new character.
  4. Write a plot outline, more of a sketch really.
  5. Start writing- have a great time doing it!
  6. Character starts guiding the story away from your sketch.
  7. Panic and try to pull it back.
  8. Characters revolt.
  9. Delete ‘fix it’ scene in fear.
  10. Give in and allow characters to rule.

I have accepted this as my creative process. My current project is being co-opted by my main character. I’m floundering a bit. She wants the story to get a little dark, but I had purposefully created her to be fun and saucy. So she’s being shelved for a bit until she figures her shit out.

In the meantime, I am going to read. I have a bit of a back log on my Kindle since very little reading occurred over the holidays.

Back to the Grind

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Today is the first work day of the new year in our house. Hubby has only come out of his office for coffee. I am writing. And deleting. And writing. Nori is trying to sleep on my keyboard and Dexter is sulking because he has to wait till later for his walk.

As I wash load after load of laundry, it feels bittersweet to be back to normal. I love feeling productive but I am BORED of my routine. So this year I am going to make an effort to change that. More outings and adventures! Tally-ho!

So if you know of any adventures a super-anxiety-prone weirdo can do I would love to hear them! I’m talking little things like going to the library. I probably can’t scale Everest just yet. Bonus points if we can bring the dog.

Love you all! Happy New Year

Happy New Year

Last (and possibly only) selfie of 2019

As the last days of 2019 ride off into the sunset, I find myself eagerly looking forward to 2020. I don’t know why humans have chosen this particular day to start fresh- but I am fully on board.

I know its entirely cliché but my goal is to lose 20lbs. I lost 20 last year and I feel so much better physically and mentally. I can acknowledge I will never be down to the ‘sick weight’ I achieved through ditching meds and developing a raging case of bulimia. But now I am healthier mentally and have adopted the ‘my body is a temple’ mentality: if you put crap in, you get crap out. Also I am loving my daily walks. Treadmill or road, dog or alone, I feel refreshed afterward. It is better than any cup of coffee.

My second goal is to finish my second novel: Lydia. She is so feisty and I love writing her. I am only 17,000 words in, so this is a big goal. I also want to spend a bit of time trying to publish ‘A Shadow of Magic’. My test readers have been positive, and I want to see if she can fly on her own.

This year we have a lot of house fixing/modifying plans and I definitely want to take the opportunity to learn some hard skills. For some reason I really want to learn to use hubby’s circular saw- I love the sound it makes. Since shed building is on our list I am anticipating ample opportunity.

So Happy New Year everyone! May 2020 be full of peace and prosperity.